To My Girls!
This is dedicated to the Chica's that have had my back since day one. I have been going through an emotional rollercoaster. I have been battling my emotions for months. I first thought it wasn't a problem, but now I have realized that it's serious than I thought. First, it started out as having felt lonely without my friends and family while living out here in Georgia. Just being homesick. We decided to move back to California at the beginning of the year, and then COVID hit. We were quarantined in our house for months, and in the summer, we decided to go back to California for a visit. It was then that I realized that staying in Georgia would be better for us. During the quarantine, I started to have crying spells for no reason. I would begin to cry for no reason at all, then the feeling of missing my mom would creep in. I did this for months, and I spoke to my therapist about this, but I did not express the matter's seriousness. I played it as if it was nothing. I did not talk about this to only a couple of people, but I kept things to myself for the most part. Frank was the only person to know how mad it was.
My trip to California was a breath of fresh air and just what I needed. When we got back to Georgia, I didn't have a crying spell for a while. Then they came back. In my next therapy session, I express the seriousness of how I have been feeling. I told her how I missed my mom and watched something on television about moms and started to cry. She stated that I could be grieving my mother still at this age. I thought she was crazy, but I kind of made some sense to me. I also thought maybe it was still some part of postpartum depression. She wanted me to think of some positive things that happened when I was a child. I started thinking of memories I didn't even remember. I blocked out many things from my childhood, and the memory gates started coming back all at once. She wanted me to write a letter to my mom and tell her everything I was feeling. Even with speaking with her, my depression seemed to get worse. I would talk to my girls Brandi and Lashell about how I was feeling, and the encouraging words were fantastic. I didn't tell my other friends, and I couldn't even tell you why. If people looked at my Instagram page, they would see that I had it all together. I was still writing, doing interviews for my upcoming documentary, and commenting on everyone else's page. Inside I was dying slowly.
One day I would wake up and feel just fine, and other days I would not want to do anything at all. I was only in a crying mode and not wanting to do anything. I would have to push myself to get up and do what I have to do with the kids. I would put my feelings aside and be the mom they needed me to do. I lacked in the relationship department with Frank, but we are now on a better path. Going through my emotional roller coaster's ups and downs, I stopped writing and stopped thinking about writing and directing. It's been over a month in half since I did any work. I started to get a second opinion for therapy because maybe this therapist had something new to tell me. I prayed every day for God to heal me and make me better. Frank would hug me and tell me everything will be ok; just have to go through the motions.
It wasn't until my trip to California that helped me out a lot. I hadn't told all of my friends what was going on and when I did, they were open with arms and gave me the best advice ever. Yes, I have told two of my friends and my cousin what's been going on, but it was something about going back home and spilling my guts to my other girls that helped out. They each told me I have to be open to talking and telling them when I'm not feeling good. I can't keep how I'm feeling to myself. They said they are here for me and always will be. I had different conversations will all of them, and it really helped me out. I just want to say those women have my back no matter what.
Shout out to Brandi, LaShell, Eula, Crystal, Liz, Damaris, and my cousin Brittney for having my back. I was working on my documentary at my space, and one of the mothers expressed her advice, which helped me out. Also, my business partner was at the space at that time, and the next day she asked if I had time for a massage. She gave me the best massage and made me less tense. Shoutout to Sharon for that! I know I have to take it one day at a time and continue to do therapy and talk to my friends. This, too, shall pass!! As women, we need a tribe of women to have our back, and I thank God every day for them. Until Next Time!!
Talk To You Soon!